Every Cloud

If any of you have been remotely interested in my boring life you’ll know that my ex wife decided I was surplus to requirements in May 2021. Long story short, I was forced to move out of the house I’d paid a mortgage for for 18 years. Despite selling a house I wholly owned to buy the house we lived in. So total mortgage payments of 30 years…anyway. That’s clever lawyers and my naivety for you…fast forward

I had to move into rented accommodation. In Adlington. So I went from having a house, assets, security, a future to…

One pay cheque away from homelessness.

Oh, and I have to pay £100’s of maintenance for the privilege. (We have a son).

I went into a mental state I’ve never been in before. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks the whole caboodle. I was literally paralysed by depression and anxiety.

I’d spend as much time as I could in bed. Just trying to shut down my brain. And I’ll admit it…I had suicidal thoughts. Just thinking, if this gets any worse, if the hole gets any deeper, if the dark gets any blacker, what are my options?

I received an email from my ex last week that ended with “Thank God we’re not together” which got me thinking…

I idolised my family, adored them, was totally devoted…I was deceiving myself. Our realities were totally different. Our goals were totally different.

Therefore in my eyes my mental state was based not in a truism, but a construct.

Time to move on…

So…today, instead of spending all day in bed like I have done every weekend since my wife, son and dog left me…

I dusted myself down. Got my coat on. Picked up a camera. And went for a local walk…

I’ve had to rent a property in Adlington near Chorley. I didn’t realise how beautiful the area was.

The Leeds Liverpool canal is literally on my doorstep!

So…I’m moving on. Slowly.

It’ll take me a while to get used to not having an intimate family after 21 years.

My daughter who lives in Sunderland is supporting me. She’s an Angel.

But I’ll move on. The depression will ease. The panic attacks will cease.

There is a future.

I’ve been paralysed metaphorically and mentally. I won’t let anyone do that to me again.

You have a job. You’re not you’re job.

You have a partner. You’re not you’re partner.

Be careful who you trust.

I have a maxim. DTA Don’t Trust Anyone. Seems a bit harsh. Well…

Panic attack – heart rate 118 lying in bed!

Life must go on. And don’t forget…