Anxiety and Depression

Since my ex wife divorced me nearly two years ago, having to move out of the family home which I’d paid a mortgage for and move into rented accommodation I’ve suffered immensely with anxiety and depression.

Some days I’ve found it hard to get out of bed.

Some weeks I didn’t eat for 2-3 weeks at a time. Living on apple juice and yoghurts.

I’ve not exercised (or even moved much) for nearly two years.

I’ve lost 25lbs – mostly muscle mass.

Me – 1991

I’ve ascended most fells in The Lake District and Ben Nevis twice.

Near Styhead Tarn

Scafell Pike

Ben Nevis

And here I was today. Having to get my flu jab. I decided to walk it to try and get the old legs and lungs working. I was dreading it.

On the way I’m sure two snails overtook me…

Walk to The Medical Centre

I made a massive mistake. I believed my marriage / family WAS my life. I believed in it. And in the process lost who I was. My identity was my family.

I devoted almost 30 years to my wife and then son. Then I was abandoned and betrayed.

And you know…I didn’t just lose my family and my home. I lost my family meals, my family dog walks, my holidays, birthdays, Christmases and Easter’s. My future. I live on my own now and at times I don’t see anyone for weeks at a time apart from my weekly shopping excursion.

I’m slowly trying to find myself again. I need to get back into:

  • Training both resistance and cardio
  • Photography
  • Walking
  • Hiking
  • Cycling

I’m slowly coming out of the ‘nose dive’. At times I was very very ill. Both physically and mentally.

I’d never known anything like it.

I’ve bought a new camera – a Canon R7. I know ‘buying things’ isn’t the answer. I’m just hoping it’ll give me a little incentive to ‘get out there’!

Canon R7

Wish me luck!

Fiona Lark

I first became aware of Fiona Lark via Sean Tucker on YouTube.

He’s a fantastic photographer, philosopher, one of the guys you’d love to meet.

He has a great back story.

I can highly recommend his book.

Fiona is not human. She’s a spirit. If you watch her videos on YouTube you’ll see what I mean. Totally egoless, a total creative. Amazing. Her photos bring tears to my eyes at times. They’re so beautiful.

As photographers there is (to (mis) quote Sean) a pissing contest. Better cameras, better lenses blah blah blah.

Basically it’s not about the tools. The only tool you need is the one between your ears.

I watched a video recently where Fiona did street photography in Amsterdam where she eluded to being a bit uncomfortable. She mentioned in that video that she’d undertaken wedding photography so I’m a bit surprised by that. I’ll look into that as in my experience, apart from the bride and groom, everyone is a stranger, that said, they know the context (they’re at a wedding, they know there will be a photographer) – it’s interesting…

Fiona is an enigma. I’m still trying to work her out. That said her images are beautiful.

I’ve had my own personal journey. Divorce. Moving to a new area. Anxiety, depression, insecurity.

Fiona alluded to having troubles in her life. We all do. And out of those she’s produced some beautiful beautiful images.

I started walking along my local canal and just ‘braved it out’ asking people if I could take their photographs. Only one couple said no. And I respect that. If they said yes…

I’d take their photograph…

Give them a business card (it’s not a business!)

And send them the images. No cost.

If you have any interest in ‘people’ photography (dichotomy – Fiona takes Self Portraits) you must must check her out. You’ll be moved I guarantee it.

Instagram @fiona_lark

Thank me later…