Met my Buddhist friend today on the canal. I was telling him about my recent experiences in my life and without prompting he said to me “She’s ill” (I didn’t tell him my exes name or anything at all, I simply told him what had happened to me) he said “It’s controlling and bullying behaviour, it’s an illness rooted in insecurity” how insightful! And he’s correct. I didn’t tell him my ex was a bully or controlling, I just told him what had happened.
He was simply commenting on the condition.
Funnily enough my wife works for an organisation that according to Glassdoor has a bullying, harassing and controlling culture.
Maybe she just couldn’t leave her work at the office. Who knows?
My new Buddhist friend is so insightful, so calm, non judgemental…and…
He wants to commission me to do a photographic portrait of his life and boat when he returns from India shortly!
I’m weird. The easier things get the less interested I am!
I got interested in photography about 1994. I bought a Canon EOS 1000 FN from Dixon’s as I was looking for a new hobby.
I’ve always been interested in The Lake District since my first visit in about 1984. So…
First photographic adventure, the most photographed bridge in the world…
I shot the original image on the Canon EOS 1000 FN with a CRAB bracket (Google is your friend if you’re not sure what that is) on Kodak film (I can’t remember what stock)
I was working at Kellogg’s at the time and I’d showed someone the photographic (6”x4”) – they asked for an enlargement – so off to Max Spielmann I went.
I brought the enlargement into work. And someone else saw it….and asked if I’d photograph their wedding!!! What!!! I’d no idea what to do. I told them that! However….it was a small civil ceremony in a registry office so thought…I’ll give it a shot!
Then…through word of mouth I got asked to photograph more and more weddings!
Scary. I thought. Things got serious! I bought 2x EOS 5D and a decent flash!
Photographed a lot of weddings on film….
Carried on shooting on film for years. Carried 2 camera bodies up most mountains in The Lake District (and Ben Nevis) – one with Fuji Velvia and one with Ilford Delta 400. with a Benbo Trekker tripod!
Moved to digital. An EOS 10D.
Shot a wedding on (two) Canon EOS 10D’s.
What a game changer! So much easier. No stress wondering what the image was going to turn out like!
Then I had to learn the image editing process.
I carried on photographing weddings on 20D, 40D, 7D and 7D MKII. Until I got bored.
Everyone had a digital camera, everyone was a wedding photographer. The democratising of photography whilst a good thing, devalued wedding photography.
So…I gave up eventually. I got bored with it.
However I carried on with some portrait photography…
And my landscapes
However…the easier things got the less interested I became.
And now everyone on YouTube is an expert…
I’ll start watching a video and usually after 5-10 minutes I’ll switch it off as I’m not learning anything,
If any of you have been remotely interested in my boring life you’ll know that my ex wife decided I was surplus to requirements in May 2021. Long story short, I was forced to move out of the house I’d paid a mortgage for for 18 years. Despite selling a house I wholly owned to buy the house we lived in. So total mortgage payments of 30 years…anyway. That’s clever lawyers and my naivety for you…fast forward
I had to move into rented accommodation. In Adlington. So I went from having a house, assets, security, a future to…
One pay cheque away from homelessness.
Oh, and I have to pay £100’s of maintenance for the privilege. (We have a son).
I went into a mental state I’ve never been in before. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks the whole caboodle. I was literally paralysed by depression and anxiety.
I’d spend as much time as I could in bed. Just trying to shut down my brain. And I’ll admit it…I had suicidal thoughts. Just thinking, if this gets any worse, if the hole gets any deeper, if the dark gets any blacker, what are my options?
I received an email from my ex last week that ended with “Thank God we’re not together” which got me thinking…
I idolised my family, adored them, was totally devoted…I was deceiving myself. Our realities were totally different. Our goals were totally different.
Therefore in my eyes my mental state was based not in a truism, but a construct.
Time to move on…
So…today, instead of spending all day in bed like I have done every weekend since my wife, son and dog left me…
I dusted myself down. Got my coat on. Picked up a camera. And went for a local walk…
I’ve had to rent a property in Adlington near Chorley. I didn’t realise how beautiful the area was.
The Leeds Liverpool canal is literally on my doorstep!
So…I’m moving on. Slowly.
It’ll take me a while to get used to not having an intimate family after 21 years.
My daughter who lives in Sunderland is supporting me. She’s an Angel.
But I’ll move on. The depression will ease. The panic attacks will cease.
There is a future.
I’ve been paralysed metaphorically and mentally. I won’t let anyone do that to me again.
You have a job. You’re not you’re job.
You have a partner. You’re not you’re partner.
Be careful who you trust.
I have a maxim. DTA Don’t Trust Anyone. Seems a bit harsh. Well…