Since my ex wife divorced me nearly two years ago, having to move out of the family home which I’d paid a mortgage for and move into rented accommodation I’ve suffered immensely with anxiety and depression.
Some days I’ve found it hard to get out of bed.
Some weeks I didn’t eat for 2-3 weeks at a time. Living on apple juice and yoghurts.
I’ve not exercised (or even moved much) for nearly two years.
I’ve lost 25lbs – mostly muscle mass.
I’ve ascended most fells in The Lake District and Ben Nevis twice.
And here I was today. Having to get my flu jab. I decided to walk it to try and get the old legs and lungs working. I was dreading it.
On the way I’m sure two snails overtook me…
I made a massive mistake. I believed my marriage / family WAS my life. I believed in it. And in the process lost who I was. My identity was my family.
I devoted almost 30 years to my wife and then son. Then I was abandoned and betrayed.
And you know…I didn’t just lose my family and my home. I lost my family meals, my family dog walks, my holidays, birthdays, Christmases and Easter’s. My future. I live on my own now and at times I don’t see anyone for weeks at a time apart from my weekly shopping excursion.
I’m slowly trying to find myself again. I need to get back into:
Training both resistance and cardio
I’m slowly coming out of the ‘nose dive’. At times I was very very ill. Both physically and mentally.
I’d never known anything like it.
I’ve bought a new camera – a Canon R7. I know ‘buying things’ isn’t the answer. I’m just hoping it’ll give me a little incentive to ‘get out there’!
I first became aware of Fiona Lark via Sean Tucker on YouTube.
He’s a fantastic photographer, philosopher, one of the guys you’d love to meet.
He has a great back story.
I can highly recommend his book.
Fiona is not human. She’s a spirit. If you watch her videos on YouTube you’ll see what I mean. Totally egoless, a total creative. Amazing. Her photos bring tears to my eyes at times. They’re so beautiful.
As photographers there is (to (mis) quote Sean) a pissing contest. Better cameras, better lenses blah blah blah.
Basically it’s not about the tools. The only tool you need is the one between your ears.
I watched a video recently where Fiona did street photography in Amsterdam where she eluded to being a bit uncomfortable. She mentioned in that video that she’d undertaken wedding photography so I’m a bit surprisedby that. I’ll look into that as in my experience, apart from the bride and groom, everyone is a stranger, that said, they know the context (they’re at a wedding, they know there will be a photographer) – it’s interesting…
Fiona is an enigma. I’m still trying to work her out. That said her images are beautiful.
I’ve had my own personal journey. Divorce. Moving to a new area. Anxiety, depression, insecurity.
Fiona alluded to having troubles in her life. We all do. And out of those she’s produced some beautiful beautiful images.
I started walking along my local canal and just ‘braved it out’ asking people if I could take their photographs. Only one couple said no. And I respect that. If they said yes…
I’d take their photograph…
Give them a business card (it’s not a business!)
And send them the images. No cost.
If you have any interest in ‘people’ photography (dichotomy – Fiona takes Self Portraits) you must must check her out. You’ll be moved I guarantee it.
I photographed weddings semi professionally for about 19 years. Packed in a few years ago as everone had an uncle Billy who had a camera, who could photograph the wedding ‘just as good as you – how can you justify the price’ – time to get out…then a friend of 30 years asked me to ‘come out of retirement’ and photograph his wedding. How could I refuse? So I photographed his wedding. A great success. Retire the cameras…now his brother has asked me to photograph his wedding to his partner. This is the last I promise 😂 I’m retiring from wedding photography after this!!!
Met my Buddhist friend today on the canal. I was telling him about my recent experiences in my life and without prompting he said to me “She’s ill” (I didn’t tell him my exes name or anything at all, I simply told him what had happened to me) he said “It’s controlling and bullying behaviour, it’s an illness rooted in insecurity” how insightful! And he’s correct. I didn’t tell him my ex was a bully or controlling, I just told him what had happened.
He was simply commenting on the condition.
Funnily enough my wife works for an organisation that according to Glassdoor has a bullying, harassing and controlling culture.
Maybe she just couldn’t leave her work at the office. Who knows?
My new Buddhist friend is so insightful, so calm, non judgemental…and…
He wants to commission me to do a photographic portrait of his life and boat when he returns from India shortly!
I’m weird. The easier things get the less interested I am!
I got interested in photography about 1994. I bought a Canon EOS 1000 FN from Dixon’s as I was looking for a new hobby.
I’ve always been interested in The Lake District since my first visit in about 1984. So…
First photographic adventure, the most photographed bridge in the world…
I shot the original image on the Canon EOS 1000 FN with a CRAB bracket (Google is your friend if you’re not sure what that is) on Kodak film (I can’t remember what stock)
I was working at Kellogg’s at the time and I’d showed someone the photographic (6”x4”) – they asked for an enlargement – so off to Max Spielmann I went.
I brought the enlargement into work. And someone else saw it….and asked if I’d photograph their wedding!!! What!!! I’d no idea what to do. I told them that! However….it was a small civil ceremony in a registry office so thought…I’ll give it a shot!
Then…through word of mouth I got asked to photograph more and more weddings!
Scary. I thought. Things got serious! I bought 2x EOS 5D and a decent flash!
Photographed a lot of weddings on film….
Carried on shooting on film for years. Carried 2 camera bodies up most mountains in The Lake District (and Ben Nevis) – one with Fuji Velvia and one with Ilford Delta 400. with a Benbo Trekker tripod!
Moved to digital. An EOS 10D.
Shot a wedding on (two) Canon EOS 10D’s.
What a game changer! So much easier. No stress wondering what the image was going to turn out like!
Then I had to learn the image editing process.
I carried on photographing weddings on 20D, 40D, 7D and 7D MKII. Until I got bored.
Everyone had a digital camera, everyone was a wedding photographer. The democratising of photography whilst a good thing, devalued wedding photography.
So…I gave up eventually. I got bored with it.
However I carried on with some portrait photography…
And my landscapes
However…the easier things got the less interested I became.
And now everyone on YouTube is an expert…
I’ll start watching a video and usually after 5-10 minutes I’ll switch it off as I’m not learning anything,
If any of you have been remotely interested in my boring life you’ll know that my ex wife decided I was surplus to requirements in May 2021. Long story short, I was forced to move out of the house I’d paid a mortgage for for 18 years. Despite selling a house I wholly owned to buy the house we lived in. So total mortgage payments of 30 years…anyway. That’s clever lawyers and my naivety for you…fast forward
I had to move into rented accommodation. In Adlington. So I went from having a house, assets, security, a future to…
One pay cheque away from homelessness.
Oh, and I have to pay £100’s of maintenance for the privilege. (We have a son).
I went into a mental state I’ve never been in before. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks the whole caboodle. I was literally paralysed by depression and anxiety.
I’d spend as much time as I could in bed. Just trying to shut down my brain. And I’ll admit it…I had suicidal thoughts. Just thinking, if this gets any worse, if the hole gets any deeper, if the dark gets any blacker, what are my options?
I received an email from my ex last week that ended with “Thank God we’re not together” which got me thinking…
I idolised my family, adored them, was totally devoted…I was deceiving myself. Our realities were totally different. Our goals were totally different.
Therefore in my eyes my mental state was based not in a truism, but a construct.
Time to move on…
So…today, instead of spending all day in bed like I have done every weekend since my wife, son and dog left me…
I dusted myself down. Got my coat on. Picked up a camera. And went for a local walk…
I’ve had to rent a property in Adlington near Chorley. I didn’t realise how beautiful the area was.
The Leeds Liverpool canal is literally on my doorstep!
So…I’m moving on. Slowly.
It’ll take me a while to get used to not having an intimate family after 21 years.
My daughter who lives in Sunderland is supporting me. She’s an Angel.
But I’ll move on. The depression will ease. The panic attacks will cease.
There is a future.
I’ve been paralysed metaphorically and mentally. I won’t let anyone do that to me again.
You have a job. You’re not you’re job.
You have a partner. You’re not you’re partner.
Be careful who you trust.
I have a maxim. DTA Don’t Trust Anyone. Seems a bit harsh. Well…
Some of you will I know I’m going through a divorce and have had to move out of the matrimonial home. I’d been moving stuff piecemeal (what I could get into the car) for weeks. From Bolton to Adlington, about 10 miles. One Saturday a few weeks back I was driving back from Adlington to Bolton on the A675. It was raining and dark. I noticed something on the road that looked like a massive piece of aluminium…as I got closer I realised it was a scooter on its side…
I slammed on…put the hazards on…at the same time traffic in the opposite direction was approaching…I flashed and flashed then got out of my car and jumped in front of the fallen scooter and waived my arms…
A lovely man coming in the opposite direction slammed on and put his hazards on.
I then rang 999 and asked for the ambulance and police.
I was asked by the emergency services a lot of questions. Were they conscious, was there any blood, did they have a pulse etc. I’m no medical professional so I tried to find out as much as I could. I went to the person and kept asking “you ok buddy? You ok buddy?” Nothing…I was literally sh*ting my pants when…
The person took a massive inhale of breath and grabbed my hand….fuck me, brilliant…
She hung on and on and on…(it turned out she was a young girl – she had a lot of biker gear on, plus helmet, it was dark etc.)
And I just thought…I’ve got you now…just hang on…
Shortly after an ambulance tech and the police showed up…
As far as I can ascertain the young lady was on the way to see her boyfriend when she came off her scooter.
Never under estimated 180 seconds of holding hands. Sometimes that’s all you have…
I still cry about it today. I thought I’d met a dead person. And motorists from either side were shouting at me to let them through.
What has happened to humanity?
The only kind person was the person in the car coming in the opposite direction he said to me “You’re a good man” and I simply thought…”who wouldn’t do this?”
Disclaimer: Any photographs displayed are not representative of any of the ‘stories’
They’re simply for illustrative purposes…
Mother of the bride “Make me look beautiful”
Me “It’s a camera not a wand” 😂😂😂
Bride (4’6” about 15st – 210 lbs) “You’ve made me look fat”
I’ve not been your dietician for the past 30 years!
Guest “Have you photographed weddings before?”
“No I usually work for the local morgue photographing cadavers, but it’s my day off today…”
“What side does the Grooms family sit on?”
“Whatever the Bride says…”
Was once photographing a wedding in Liverpool when the Bride and her mother started arguing about her choice of groom. They’d been together 12 years and had two children! It came to fisticuffs. I left….